I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
