Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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