Please, let me fuck your mom
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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