I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
