I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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