Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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