My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
