Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
