From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
