Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
