Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
