I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize