You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
