If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she pinky promised me she was 18
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
