Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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