it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
