my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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