I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Less talking, more tequila
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
