Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
