Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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