I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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