I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
