Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
foreskin is a definite game changer
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
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I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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