So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
