i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
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My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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