I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
