if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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