I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
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When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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