i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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