I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
