i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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