If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
