Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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