literally had 100 drinks last night.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
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My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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