Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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