He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
