you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
