If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
no you cant smoke seaweed
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
