Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Boobs speak an international language.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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