Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
