Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
