She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
