So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
