Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
