sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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