wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
