So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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