There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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