I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
