I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Two words: blizzard sex
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
