remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
