The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
