somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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