Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
